I’m not sure if anyone still reads this, but just in case, let me begin by telling you that this post is going to suck. A lot. But I really need to vent.
Last Monday my BIL and his wife had a perfect little baby boy. For those of you who have been following since I made my move to the Etch-a-Sketch, you may remember me posting a scathing post about when their first baby was about to be born, and they chose to name him the name that Evan and I had set aside for our first baby boy. Well they did it again. They used our replacement name for their new baby. No joke.
Whatever. I’ll deal.
Then Tuesday night, my brother was arrested by one of my childhood friends and spent the night in jail. It just happened to be his birthday. He (my brother) called me the next day to tell me that I had to cut ties with my friend because he didn’t let him off. My brother is now not speaking to me because I refused to be angry at my friend when my brother so clearly was in the wrong, and my friend was just doing his job. Cops are supposed to be fair, right?
Wednesday, I spoke to my mother for the first time since New Year’s. It did not go well. I offered to let her be a part of my life, and the lives of my girls, as long as she made an effort to be a dependable and responsible grandparent. i.e. remember birthdays, etc. She told me that she needed time to think about it. I haven’t heard from her since.
Thursday, my step-mother, who I’m very close to, disclosed her plans to leave my dad. She already has an apartment, has completely furnished it, and will be moving the rest of her things on Nov. 1 while he’s at work. She intends to leave him a letter. My dad has no idea it’s coming.
Evan has been working until nearly 10 o’clock every night, Lucy has a part in a big production of A Christmas Carol and has rehearsal 4-5 days a week, and I’m LOSING MY FREAKING MIND!!!
Oh, and just to round out the craziness, Emma is cutting 4 teeth at once. She won’t nap which makes her even more cross, cries when she eats (it probably hurts, despite the endless doses of ty.l.enol), and is an all-around grump.
Today I’ve been a mess. I’ve been fighting back tears all day, and can barely manage to swallow due to the lump in my throat.
Today is the 3rd anniversary of when my ectopic pregnancy ruptured. That night, I signed away the life of my child for my own. It means little to me that this baby was doomed from conception, and had no chance of survival. The mere fact that I had to give consent will haunt me for the rest of my life. I doubt I’ll ever completely get over it.
Today I am overwhelmed… and it’s just the beginning.